Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? Page 11

  The decibel (dB) is the unit used to measure sound levels. The cutoff for acceptable risk for workplace noise is 85dB. The level of negligible risk is considered to be 75dB or below. Many studies have looked at personal stereos and, in general, listening levels tend to be below the 85dB risk cutoff. A study in the April 2005 International Journal of Audiology looked at noise exposure levels from personal stereo use and determined that the average continuous noise exposure level was 79.8 dB, with a statistically significant difference between males and females, of 80.6 dB and 75.3 dB respectively. Basically, most people stay within a safe range, but it is important to watch the volume, because some personal music players reportedly can produce levels as high as 120dB.

  Here are some other estimates of noise levels:

  30 dB

  Whisper

  60 dB

  Normal conversation

  80 dB

  Ringing telephone

  90 dB

  Hair dryer/power lawn mower

  93 dB

  Belt sander

  96 dB

  Tractor

  98 dB

  Hand drill

  108 dB

  Continuous miner

  110 dB

  Chain saw

  114 dB

  Hammer drill

  120 dB

  Ambulance siren

  140 dB

  Jet engine at takeoff

  165 dB

  12-gauge shotgun

  180 dB

  Rocket launch

  194 dB

  Loudest tone possible

  So…the bottom line is that if you are driving an ambulance to the shooting range, you should use ear protection. As for the iPod, we love everything that Apple makes so we hope that they aren’t dangerous. We suggest that you keep the volume low, but even if they find out that iPods cause hearing loss, imagine the cool hearing aids that Steve Jobs will create.

  4:35 P.M.

  Gberg: Give me a call on the home phone so we can talk about the cover.

  Leyner: Maybe.

  Leyner: See you in the future.

  Leyner: And remember one thing:

  Leyner: I didn’t ask to be born.

  Gberg: Don’t leave me this way.

  Leyner: OK…I love you…I’ll never forget the time in Venice when you sang “Afternoon Delight” to me in the gondola right after my bilateral inguinal hernia repair…I’ll never forget your kindness that summer…

  Leyner: OK? Is that better?

  Gberg: Who sang “Afternoon Delight”?

  Leyner: Trini Lopez and Garth Brooks?

  Gberg: I just cheated and went onto iTunes.

  Gberg: They have a Will Ferrell version from Anchorman.

  Leyner: I’d say buy it…but I know you’re too cheap.

  Gberg: You have hurt my feelings once again.

  Gberg: It’s the Starland Vocal Band by the way.

  WHAT ARE THOSE DUST PARTICLES YOU SOMETIMES SEE FLOATING IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES?

  In our last book, we called one of Billy’s smartest friends for the composition of eye boogers. This Proust-reading, NPR-listening, Ivy League-educated retina surgeon came up empty, but we decided to give him another chance. This time, not only did we get an answer, but we also got a quote from ol’ Marcel Proust:

  “…we feel a veritable fever of yearning for the fallen leaves that can go so far as to keep us awake at night. Into my closed room they had been drifting already for a month, summoned there by my desire to see them, slipping between my thoughts and the object, whatever it might be, upon which I was trying to concentrate them, whirling in front of me like those brown spots that sometimes, whatever we may be looking at, will seem to be dancing or swimming before our eyes.”

  —Remembrance of Things Past: Swann’s Way, p. 456., trans. C. K. Scott Moncrieff and Terence Kilmartin. Random House.

  These floating spots are very common and arise because our eyes are filled with a clear gel, called vitreous humor, which, as time goes by, can partially liquefy to form small condensations, opacities, and debris. These opacities float through the vitreous as the eye moves, casting shadows on the retina (the light-sensing neural tissue lining the back of the eye). We perceive these shadows as “floaters.” In medical speak, they are called vitreous floaters or migratory scotomata. They resemble cobwebs or gnats or even tiny paisleys that slowly drift through the field of vision.

  Most of the time floaters are benign, but in rare cases they can signal a serious problem such as retinal tear or detachment. If you are concerned and are in San Francisco, look up Billy’s friend, and you can get a consultation and perhaps a lecture on French literature.

  1:25 P.M.

  Gberg: Leyner. Are you out there?

  Gberg: Hello.

  Gberg: Won’t you light my candle?

  Leyner: What? You buttwad…

  1:30 P.M.

  Gberg: Just got your TV question.

  Leyner: I’m getting great at this!! I’ve finally found my true métier.

  Leyner: Should we put it in puberty?

  Gberg: I think it is great. What about sitting too close and being bad for the eyes.

  Leyner: Good separate question. Let’s keep that one in our bag of tricks…and if we need more later, we’ll take that one on too.

  Leyner: How about this? My mom asked me last night…

  Gberg: Yes.

  Leyner: Why do we see shapes and patterns and colors when we close our eyes?

  Leyner: Interesting, boring??

  Leyner: Can’t decide.

  Leyner: Let’s put that aside too, yes?

  Gberg: We have a question about floaters. That might satisfy Mama’s curiosity.

  Leyner: I love that TV one, though.

  Leyner: OK, let’s stick with the floaters.

  Gberg: Yeah, baby. We are getting there.

  Leyner: I think we’re going to be very proud of this book.

  Leyner: I really think it’s better.

  Gberg: We got another bad Amazon review criticizing the IMs.

  Leyner: I’m going to the gym…I’ll call you on the way and we’ll talk about the IMs…

  Gberg: Make that 2.

  1:35 P.M.

  Leyner: 2 about the IMs?

  Gberg: “Disappointing application of an excellent premise” and “Boring and uncouth.”

  Gberg: I think we should dedicate the book to these armchair critics.

  1:40 P.M.

  Gberg: Did I lose you?

  Leyner: I’m back

  Leyner: Stop reading all that shit. THAT will certainly rot your brain.

  Leyner: Are you reassessing the IMing…? Let’s talk about it.

  Leyner: I’ll call you in a few minutes…are you going to sleep soon?

  1:45 P.M.

  Gberg: Call my cell. I am going over to Bar Pitti.

  Gberg: Drown my sorrow in rigatoni and red wine.

  Leyner: OK…I’ll call your cell. Fuck those idiots at Amazon…Why do you read that garbage? Bye.

  WHEN WATER IS STUCK IN YOUR EARS, WHERE IS IT? HOW DO YOU GET IT OUT?

  People have this strange idea that if water gets in your ear it will somehow find its way to the inside of your skull. The truth is that if your eardrum is intact, the water will remain in your outer ear canal. But, besides being uncomfortable, this water creates an environment where infections can develop.

  Swimmer’s ear or otitis externa is an infection of the lining of the external ear canal that begins when water gets stuck in the outer ear. This is different from a regular or middle ear infection, which is an infection behind the eardrum. There also is a condition called surfer’s ear or exostosis of the external auditory canal. Surfer’s ear is caused by repeated exposure to cold water and wind. This cooling of the ear canal causes bone growth that eventually blocks the ear canal.

  If your ear is kept dry, it is unlikely to become infected. You can opt for earplugs or rely on the old jump-up-and-down-on-one-leg-and-bang-the-side-of-your-head
-with-your-hand-with-your-bad-ear-toward-the-floor trick. Cotton swabs should be avoided because they can push material deep into the canal or scratch the skin, making infection more likely.

  Other options include ear-drying drops to evaporate excess water or a hair dryer to dry them out. There even are products like the Sahara Dry Ear rechargeable ear dryer that is specially designed for this purpose.

  DOES THUMB SUCKING CAUSE BUCKTEETH?

  Thumb sucking is a normal behavior. Well, sucking your own thumb is normal. If you are sucking someone else’s, that’s a little weird!

  Thumb sucking only becomes a problem if it continues for too long. It can begin during the fetal period, but should be curtailed by the time that permanent teeth come in. Permanent teeth begin to sprout around age six. If thumb sucking continues past this age, your child can develop an overbite or buckteeth.

  There are other problems that come along with late thumb sucking. An article in 1993 in the journal Pediatrics looked at the “influence of thumb sucking on peer social acceptance in first grade children.” They found that thumb-sucking children were judged as less intelligent, happy, attractive, likable, and fun and less desirable as a friend, playmate, seatmate, classmate, and neighbor than the nonsuckers.

  So if buckteeth aren’t bad enough, social ostracism is yet another reason to quit the thumb.

  WHAT IS THAT THING HANGING DOWN IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT, AND WHAT IS IT FOR?

  We mentioned that lovely fleshy thing in the back of your throat earlier when we described how milk comes flying from your nose when you laugh. It’s called the uvula, from the Latin word uva, which means grape. If you take a look in the mirror, you will notice that this skin flap is shaped like a tear or a grape. If yours has a little fish tail, don’t panic, that’s called a bifid uvula and it’s not a problem at all.

  The uvula is an interesting little thing. The uvula has its own little muscle, the muscularis uvula, which allows it to move and change shape. This prevents food from going down the wrong way, and it also has a minor role in speech. Some singers believe the uvula helps them produce a vibrato.

  Don’t worry if your uvula is swollen. Many things can cause this including: tonsillitis, viral infections of the throat, allergies, or trauma.

  If you are passing through Los Angeles, Billy can introduce you to his close friend who will be happy to show you that he has no uvula. No, he wasn’t maimed at birth, it was removed in a procedure called a uvulopalatopharyngoplasty. Try saying that five times fast. Removal of the uvula is performed as a treatment for sleep apnea or excessive snoring.

  WHY DO YOUR EARS POP IN AN AIRPLANE?

  We are now making our final approach into the end of this chapter. Please put your seat backs and tray tables in an upright and locked position…we couldn’t resist. We always wanted to give that speech.

  When you take off in an airplane, the air pressure decreases as you ascend. The air trapped in your inner ear needs to escape and equalize the pressure between your inner ear and the atmosphere. The air escapes through the eustachian tube, a small passage between the inner ear and back of the nose/throat. This equalization of pressure is that pop you feel. The same thing happens when landing, but in this case, air pressure increases and air needs to get into the inner ear where the pressure has adjusted to the lower pressure during flight.

  You can help your ears to equalize by swallowing, yawning, or chewing. All these aid in the opening of the eustachian tubes. If these don’t work, pinch your nostrils shut, take a mouthful of air, and blow. Decongestants and some nasal sprays also help ease the passage of air, especially if you are already congested.

  CHAPTER 7

  WOMEN WANT TO KNOW

  We had finished a long morning of patients and Leyner had taken our receptionist Wendy out to lunch. I was catching up on paperwork when I realized that several hours had passed since they’d left. I called his cell phone but when I heard Leyner’s signature ringtone, the theme from Popeye, emanating from his bag in the office, I realized I was out of luck. I continued reviewing charts until I heard a loud and continuous thumping coming from the outer office. I opened the door to find Leyner and Wendy playing hopscotch on a board that Leyner had painted on the carpet with Liquid Paper.

  A drunken Leyner tripped over a floor lamp and after a graceful somersault landed at my feet. “My brother, you missed a glorious celebration, a Dionysian blow-out of epic proportions, a bad-assed bacchanalia fit for the likes of Caligula and Kim Jong Il and Kate Moss…and…” Leyner seemed to pass out momentarily. Then his eyes fluttered open. “I think I just had a petit mal seizure,” he said. “It was awesome.” Leyner began crawling around on his hands and knees. Soon Wendy was on the floor with him, making a high-pitched orgasmic sound somewhat akin to the emergency broadcasting tone.

  I got down on my own hands and knees and crawled toward Leyner. Worried that I had forgotten some special occasion, I whispered into his ear, “Did I forget Wendy’s birthday or something?”

  Leyner reared up. “No, it’s nobody’s birthday…. Today’s February 4…. C’mon, Professor, don’t you know what that means?”

  I looked at him blankly.

  “You call yourself an intellectual, a…doctor?!” he sneered. “How could you be so insensitive to women?”

  I still had no idea what he was getting at.

  “Wendy has a lot of female questions she wants to ask you but first you need a little refresher in the annals of gynecology. Fifty-five years ago today in Chicago skilled surgeons removed a 308-pound ovarian cyst from Gertrude Levandowski and it only took them ninety-six hours.”

  “How could I have forgotten?” I said.

  Wendy stumbled across the office.

  “How much did she drink?” I asked, having never seen Wendy intoxicated in the least, never mind three sheets to the wind.

  “Seven or eight whiskey sours, I think. I outran her two to one…. Anyhow, in honor of the day she’s become very inquisitive about…uh…”

  Leyner cleared his throat. “About her…cycles…and her…infrastructure.”

  Wendy perked up and stared at me with an unfocused look. “Can I trust you?”

  Not knowing what was about to come, I replied, “Of course, Wendy. Anything you ask I will hold in my strictest confidence.”

  Leyner stood erect and gave a crisp military salute. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

  “Okay, then.” She took a deep a breath. “Please tell me. I have to know.” She hiccupped. “Is there danger that if I watch Herbie Fully Loaded too many times, that I will…synchronize my period with Lindsay Lohan?”

  With that, she and Leyner passed out in perfect unison.

  WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS GET URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS?

  Many women are familiar with the symptoms of a urinary tract infection or UTI. It usually starts with a persistent urge to urinate or a burning sensation when you pee. You also can have blood in the urine, cloudy, strong-smelling urine, or pain in the lower part of your abdomen. About 50 percent of women will have a urinary tract infection at some time during their lives. The female-to-male ratio for urinary tract infections is about 30:1.

  Why are women so blessed with this uncomfortable gift while men are spared?

  Everyone’s urine is sterile and meant to stay that way. The difference between women and men begins with the urethra, the tube through which urine leaves the body. The urethra is shorter in women than in men, thus making it easier for bacteria to travel the wrong way up this one-way street. The urethra also is located closer to the rectum in women, and there are more bacteria in this area that can find their way into the bladder. Sexual activity can also push bacteria into the sterile urine.

  The medical term for bladder infections is cystitis. If there is a lot of blood with a urine infection, we call it hemorrhagic cystitis. There’s even a special variety, “honeymoon cystitis,” which refers to the urine infections that women get on their honeymoon from frequent and prolonged sexual intercourse.<
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  Luckily, there are some ways to help prevent urinary tract infections. Women should always urinate after sexual intercourse, wipe themselves from front to back, and empty their bladders fully when they go to the bathroom. Proving once again that a woman’s work is never done. Men only tend to get their infections when they are older as the prostate grows and causes a blockage of the urinary flow.

  WHAT IS THAT SOUND A VAGINA MAKES AFTER SEX?

  This is definitely an embarrassing question to both ask and answer, but we’ll give it a shot.

  The sound occurs when air gets pushed into the vagina during sexual intercourse. After sex, when the penis is removed, air is released and you get some vaginal flatulence. “Queef” and “vart” are two colorful slang terms that are used to describe these noises that a woman may emit after sex. These sounds are perfectly normal, so there is nothing to worry about.

  ARE FAT WOMEN MORE FERTILE?

  The best way to answer this question is to refer back to one of our favorite childhood fairy tales, “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” Remember when sweet little Goldilocks was looking for a bed to sleep in and she found one that was “too soft,” one that was “too hard,” and, yes, ultimately one that was “just right.” The same goes for this question. Both obesity and extreme thinness can be associated with infertility. You need to be “just right” to conceive easily.