Why Do Men Have Nipples? Read online

  Chinese meals, for the most part, contain rice, little meat, and plenty of low-calorie vegetables. The rice and noodle dishes like fried rice and lo mein contain carbohydrates that cause the blood sugar to peak and then plummet, causing hunger. So, if you are going out for Chinese, don’t forget the Peking duck, General Tso’s chicken, or the spareribs. You may feel greasy and start quoting Mao, but you won’t feel hungry later.

  WHAT IS MSG, AND DOES IT CAUSE HEADACHES?

  MSG is the sodium salt of the amino acid glutamic acid and a form of glutamate. Mmmm, doesn’t that sound appetizing.

  Glutamate is a naturally occurring amino acid that is found in nearly all foods, especially those high in protein. Monosodium glutamate (MSG) is used as a flavor enhancer in a variety of foods prepared at home, in restaurants, and by manufacturers of processed food. It is not fully understood how it adds flavor to other foods, but many scientists believe that MSG stimulates glutamate receptors in the tongue to augment flavors.

  MSG has been the target of bad press based largely on reported reactions to Chinese food, the dreaded “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome.”;

  For those who believe that they may react badly to MSG, the following symptoms have been reported:

  burning sensation in the back of the neck, forearms, and chest

  numbness in the back of the neck, radiating to the arms and back

  tingling, warmth, and weakness in the face, temples, upper back, neck, and arms

  facial pressure or tightness

  chest pain

  headache

  nausea

  rapid heartbeat

  bronchospasm (difficulty breathing) in MSG-intolerant people with asthma

  drowsiness

  weakness

  In 1958 the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) designated MSG as a Generally Recognized As Safe (GRAS) substance, along with many other common food ingredients, such as salt, vinegar, and baking powder, but consumers continue to have questions regarding MSG’s safety and efficacy. However, there is general agreement in the scientific community, based on numerous biochemical, toxicological, and medical studies over the last twenty years, that MSG is safe for the general population.

  CAN CARROTS HELP IMPROVE YOUR VISION?

  The Roman emperor Caligula believed that carrots had the properties of an aphrodisiac, making men more potent and women more submissive. He is said to have fed the entire Roman Senate a banquet of only carrots so that he could watch the senators fornicate like wild beasts. This has nothing to do with eyesight, but it is quite a tale.

  The carrot myth dates back to World War II when the British Royal Air Force was attempting to hide the fact that it had developed a sophisticated airborne radar system to shoot down German bombers. They bragged that the great accuracy of British fighter pilots at night was a result of them being fed enormous quantities of carrots. It is true that carrots are rich in beta-carotene, which is essential for sight. The body converts beta-carotene to vitamin A, and extreme vitamin A deficiency can cause blindness. However, only a small amount of beta-carotene is necessary for good vision. If you’re not deficient in vitamin A, your vision won’t improve no matter how many carrots you eat.

  In fact, the ingestion of excess vitamin A can cause toxicity, which can include symptoms such as yellow-orange coloring of the skin, hair loss, weight loss, fatigue, and headache.

  DOES COFFEE STUNT YOUR GROWTH?

  I, Billy Goldberg, would like to dedicate this answer to my dear friend caffeine. He has been with me through good times and bad. Without him I would not have survived the long nights of my hospital residency nor the deadline of this book. To my friend I proclaim, “I do not hold you responsible that I am only five foot nine!”;

  Actually there has been considerable research on whether caffeine consumption is linked to osteoporosis. Overall, it can be concluded that moderate caffeine consumption is not an important risk factor for osteoporosis, particularly where women consume a healthy balanced diet. Some research suggests that regular caffeine consumption may lead to loss of calcium in the urine, but this does not have a measurable effect on bone density either. So as long as you have a balanced diet with adequate calcium intake, you can enjoy your espresso with no cause for concern.

  So, why did our parents scare us with this myth when we wanted coffee as children? Probably for the same reason that they invoked the fear of losing an eye whenever we ran with scissors or snapped a towel. Pure parental mind control. It also helps if the child falls asleep and leaves Mommy and Daddy alone to find out if there really is a G–spot (see chapter 3, page 94).

  WHY DOES SKIPPING YOUR MORNING COFFEE CAUSE A HEADACHE?

  We truly are a nation of drug addicts. With alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine, we are constantly medicating ourselves to get through our daily activities. Now that people are commonly found freebasing caffeine in the form of Red Bull, we need an answer to this pressing question: Does cutting out the morning cup of joe cause a 4 P.M. headache from hell?

  It is clear that caffeine can have an effect on headaches. Caffeine is present in both over-the-counter medications (Excedrin) and prescription medications. Caffeine acts to constrict blood vessels and therefore helps some headaches. But, the withdrawal symptoms you experience when cutting out your daily coffee are not as clear-cut as you may think.

  A 1999 study in The Journal of Pharmacology challenged the assumption that stopping coffee causes headaches. When participants in this study were unaware of the caffeine-withdrawal focus, the frequency and severity of their symptoms were much lower and sometimes nonexistent. A recently released analysis concluded that there is a withdrawal syndrome when stopping coffee. Symptoms are thought to be worse if you consume more caffeine and then abruptly stop, although not everyone suffers the same withdrawal symptoms. Other symptoms include fatigue, drowsiness, irritability, depression, or trouble concentrating.

  If you want to wean yourself off gradually, you can follow Mark Leyner’s schedule:

  Monday—double espresso

  Tuesday—latté

  Wednesday—single espresso

  Thursday—Snapple iced tea

  Friday—soy half-decaf mocha cappuccino

  Saturday—a 12-ounce Coke

  Sunday—beer (no caffeine and a wonderful breakfast treat)

  WHY DOES SPICY FOOD MAKE YOUR NOSE RUN?

  There is nothing quite like that rush you get when you mistake the wasabi for pistachio ice cream. But alas, this doesn’t lead to nose running. That is because wasabi does not contain capsaicin, the extremely irritating chemical found in jalapeño or habanero peppers. Capsaicin is believed to stimulate central nervous system fibers that control the quantity and thickness of mucus and other fluids secreted in the nasal passages and stomach.

  For you trivia nerds, heat in peppers is measured on something called the Scoville Scale:

  0–100 Scoville units includes most bell/sweet pepper varieties.

  100–500 Scoville units includes pepperoncinis.

  500–1000 Scoville units includes New Mexico peppers.

  1,000–1,500 Scoville units includes Espanola peppers.

  1,000–2,000 Scoville units includes ancho and pasilla peppers.

  1,000–2,500 Scoville units includes Cascabel and cherry peppers.

  2,500–5,000 Scoville units includes jalapeño and Mirasol peppers.

  5,000–15,000 Scoville units includes serrano peppers.

  15,000–30,000 Scoville units includes the Chile de Arbol peppers.

  30,000–50,000 Scoville units includes cayenne and Tabasco peppers.

  50,000–100,000 Scoville units includes chiltepin peppers.

  100,000–350,000 Scoville units includes Scotch Bonnet and Thai peppers.

  200,000 to 300,000 Scoville units includes habanero peppers.

  Around 16,000,000 Scoville units is pure

  capsaicin.

  The single hottest known pepper is the Red Savina habanero. If you think the jalapeño makes your nos
e run, the Red Savina will leave you wading knee-deep in a puddle of your own nasal secretions.

  DOES SPICY FOOD CAUSE ULCERS?

  No, spicy foods do not cause ulcers. Stomach ulcers can be aggravated by a nice dash of Tabasco sauce. Drinking alcohol, smoking, or experiencing stress can also make ulcers worse.

  Most stomach ulcers are caused either by infection from a bacterium called Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) or by overuse of anti-inflammatory pain medications such as aspirin or ibuprofen. The ulcers caused by bacteria can be treated with antibiotics and the others treated by an end to the pill popping.

  DOES ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER CAUSE HEADACHES?

  The artificial sweetener Equal and the food additive NutraSweet are both aspartame. Approved by the FDA in 1981, this sweetener is hotly debated as the cause of everything from headaches to seizures. The debate rages on via the Internet and in the medical literature. The FDA and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) both claim that this product is safe, but there are also many reports that show that headaches may be present as an adverse reaction in some patients.

  There is no solid answer to the question of artificial sweetener causing headaches, but here are several things that are guaranteed to cause them:

  1.Trying to help your child with math homework.

  2.Telemarketers who call early on Sunday morning.

  3.The map of red states and blue states.

  4.Being stuck in traffic when the only clear radio station is playing an Ashlee Simpson marathon.

  DOES LICORICE CAUSE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?

  To begin with, it is important to understand that the delicious artificial strawberry or cherry product that we happily eat in movie theaters is not true licorice. True licorice is black and contains glycyrrhizic acid. Therefore we cannot answer the more important East Coast versus West Coast debate about whether Red Vines are better than Twizzlers.

  Medical literature contains a great deal of information about the link between licorice and high blood pressure, and if you happened to be reading the English-language abstract of an article from the Norwegian journal Tidsskrift for Den Norske Laegeforening in 2002, you might have found out that “the active component of liqorice is glycyrrhizic acid, which inhibits the enzyme 11-beta-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase. This enzyme promotes the conversion of cortisol to cortisone and is thereby responsible for the specificity of the mineralocorticoid receptor to aldosterone in the collecting tubules. Inhibition of the enzyme allows cortisol to act as the major endogenous mineralocorticoid producing a marked elevation in mineralocorticoid activity, resulting in hypertension, hypokalemia, and metabolic alkalosis.”; I can’t understand why candy companies don’t use this as a slogan. Imagine the catchy jingles, funny commercials, and booming sales of black jelly beans.

  CHAPTER 2

  BODY ODDITIES

  I am able to finally escape from the torture of Jeremy’s food inquisition, and I look around and can’t find Leyner anywhere. The bottle of Don Julio is missing and there is a trail of shrimp tails that leads to the elevator. I find him sitting in the hallway, playing Chutes and Ladders with the neighbor’s children, and devouring cocktail sauce with a straw. I try to get him back inside and he snarls, “Are you out of your mind? I’m down a hundred and fifty bucks.” His bark is heard inside and several revelers come outside to watch the action. A crowd has formed around the game and Mark is becoming surly with the children as his losses mount. It doesn’t help that the children are mocking him by singing “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers. The tides turn and Leyner has soon wrestled

  the weekly allowances and the school lunch money from the kids, who disperse crestfallen while muttering to themselves. Triumphantly, Leyner rises and shouts, “Punk-ass suckers go crying to your mommy. We’re going to bring this party back inside and play some strip Candyland.” He pockets his winnings, swigs the Don Julio, and we are off.

  Back inside, Wendy Thurston, a senior editor at Half-a-Dozen Ponds Press, has fallen victim to Leyner’s shrewd, merciless gamesmanship. She is down to her bra, thong, and socks. As Leyner wins another point, she removes her left sock, revealing the most beautiful alabaster-hued foot and immaculately pedicured webbed toes. Teary-eyed, Leyner turns to me and in a choir boy’s piping, soprano weeps, “I have found my Cinderella!”

  This romantic outburst leaves the party in stunned silence, and then I’m again besieged by a slew of body-related questions. What is it about sideshow body oddities that awakens our most primal desires and curiosities?

  IS IT BAD TO CRACK YOUR KNUCKLES?

  As I, Billy, was sitting on the beach, relaxing and leafing through an old copy of the Journal of Manipulative and Physiological Therapeutics, I came across the answer to this age-old question. I also wish my father had known this, because maybe he would have yelled at my brother less. Cracking your knuckles is not as bad as people think. The usual argument is that knuckle popping causes arthritis. This does not happen. Chronic knuckle cracking may cause other types of damage, including stretching of the surrounding ligaments and a decrease in grip strength, but not arthritis.

  So what causes the pop? The sound is produced in the joint when bubbles burst in the synovial fluid surrounding the joint. Really interesting, huh?

  WHY DO SOME FOLKS HAVE AN “OUTIE” BELLY BUTTON AND SOME FOLKS HAVE AN “INNIE”?

  I didn’t have the answer to this question until I delivered my first baby. I always believed that you had an “innie”; if the doctor tied a good knot, and if he didn’t, you were cursed with that funny-looking “outie.”; Well, there is no knot tying at all. We just put on a clip, cut, and wait for the umbilical cord to dry up and fall off. It is all random.

  Sometimes someone can develop an “outie”; because they have a hernia at this site. This also has nothing to do with the doctor’s Boy Scout skills. I have recently heard of plastic surgeons removing an “outie”; for belly beauty. How sad.

  One question that cannot be answered, however, is why some belly buttons collect so much lint.

  WHAT CAUSES MORNING BREATH?

  In Australia, the “poo fairy”; comes at night to take a dump in your mouth. In England, they say a long night at the pub leaves your breath “tasting like the vulture’s dinner.”; And a Scottish friend with a new Hawaiian bride reports that a late-night fridge-binge of haggis and poi will leave you with the worst morning breath of your life.

  So, given all these tales, we should probably start with the anaerobic bacteria, the xerostomia (a fancy word for dry mouth), or the volatile sulfur compounds (which are actually waste products from the bacteria). All these combine to give you that wonderful get-up-in-the-morning feeling of garbage mouth.

  Other things also contribute to this oral smorgasbord: medications, alcohol, sugar, smoking, caffeine, and dairy products.

  But don’t run off and have your tongue sandblasted; there are simple things that you can do to fight morning breath. Brush regularly (don’t forget the tongue), floss, and drink plenty of water.

  Gberg: I was just thinking that the more chaotic this is, the harder it is for Carrie to edit. It might even induce a seizure.

  Leyner: That’s funny!! I think tormenting her is always a good sort of compass for us when we’re lost and floundering.

  Leyner: What is a seizure, actually?

  Gberg: Is that the way it usually works in the creative process? Is your genius always fueled by torment?

  Gberg: Abnormal electrical activity in the brain, why?

  Leyner: My creative process is fueled by a sense of Nietzschean aristocracy and a simultaneous feeling that I’m an abject fraud.

  Gberg: I think everyone feels like a fraud. What about me, trying to answer these unanswerable questions?

  Leyner: Coupled with torment and an overwhelming need to be loved and liked (even) AND horniness AND creditors calling ALL THE FUCKING DAY LONG. Didn’t you go to medical school in Ingushetia? You are a fraud.

  Gberg: Where the hell is Ingushetia?

 
Leyner: Directly east of Chechnya. Check MapQuest.

  Gberg: Enough of your Chechen obsession. Let’s talk about the book.

  Leyner: I told you . . . with the amount of money we’re getting paid for this book, Mercedes and I are getting a time-share summer dacha in Chechnya.

  WHY ARE YAWNS CONTAGIOUS?

  Here are several things we can be thankful are not contagious:

  drooling

  nosebleeds

  itching

  seizures

  farting

  That said, there are several theories for what causes yawns and why they are contagious. It was originally thought that people yawned to get more oxygen, but this appears not to be true.

  The most common theory is behavioral. In an article examining contagious yawns, Dr. Steven M. Platek and others state, “Contagious yawning may be associated with empathic aspects of mental state attribution and are negatively affected by increases in schizotypal personality traits much like other self-processing related tasks.”;

  Huh? I find myself yawning right now.

  What they mean is that people are unconsciously imitating others when they yawn. Humans are not the only species that yawn. Yawning is seen in many animals, including cats, fish, and birds, although we don’t know what a yawning fish looks like either.

  WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?

  Since our editor thought this question made the best title for this book, we racked our brains to come up with a hilarious, witty, and informative answer to this question. Our attempts proved futile, so, in order to finish this book so another brilliant title wouldn’t go to waste, we went for the boring, straight scientific response. Sorry.

  We are mammals and blessed with body hair, three middle ear bones, and the ability to nourish our young with milk that females produce in modified sweat glands called mammary glands. Although females have the mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo. During development, the embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in for a male embryo. The embryo then begins to develop all of its male characteristics. Men are thus left with nipples and also with some breast tissue. Men can even get breast cancer and there are some medical conditions that can cause male breasts to enlarge. Abnormal enlargement of the breasts in a male is known as gynecomastia. Gynecomastia can be caused by using anabolic steroids. So, if Barry Bonds ends up coming to the old-timers game with a pair of sagging 44DD man boobs, then I think we will finally have our answer to the steroid controversy.