Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? Page 7

  Horses, by the way, aren’t the only animals in sports subject to chemical cheating. Police in Shanghai, China, recently shut down a gambling den where fighting crickets were given performance-enhancing drugs!

  For the hauntingly poetic qualities of horse piss, check out the renowned seventeenth-century Japanese haiku master Matsuo Basho, who wrote the following poem (which appears in his collection Narrow Road to the Deep North):

  Bitten by fleas and lice,

  I slept in a bed,

  a horse pissing all the time by my pillow.

  Okay, maybe it loses a little something in the translation.

  WHY DON’T MOSQUITO BITES HURT WHEN YOU GET THEM, AND WHY DO THEY ITCH?

  Ahh…the amazing, diabolically ingenious mosquito. A mosquito stabs you with its piercing-sucking proboscis, which is actually made up of several needlelike tubes. She (only the females bite) then injects you with her saliva laced not only with an anticoagulant, so your blood won’t clot and can flow easily up her tiny straw, but also an anesthetic, so you won’t feel the pain and whack the little bugger in the midst of its vampiric happy meal. The itching you feel later on is an immune response to the foreign proteins in the saliva left behind in the wound.

  Try to resist the almost irresistible urge to scratch your mosquito bites.

  It’ll only make the itching worse, and could even lead to infection. Calamine lotion is a better bet. That dappled-with-blobs-of-pink-gook look won’t garner many kudos on the fashion runway, but at least you’ll feel better.

  Leyner, who fancies himself something of an amateur entomologist, is particularly obsessed with mosquitos. Here, from the pages of Travel & Leisure magazine, is his lovely description of the large mosquitos that inhabit the Canadian Arctic province of Nunavut in the warmer summer months: “The mosquitos here are enormous and ravenous. They actually gaze up at you while sucking, like in a porn movie.”

  WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SWEETER TO MOSQUITOES?

  There are many different factors and variables that come into play when a mosquito chooses to bite you over someone else or vice versa. So don’t take it personally either way. The carbon dioxide released when we exhale is an extremely important attractant, as is the lactic acid produced by muscle movement, as is moist skin and a warm body. Sebum, eccrine, and apocrine secretions—basically, sweat—are also major chemoattractants for these annoying creatures. And mosquitos have a yen for heavily scented grooming products—particularly floral fragrances in perfumes, aftershaves, soaps, lotions, and hair-care products.

  Short of not emitting carbon dioxide, lactic acid, or heat—in other words, not moving or breathing, which might also mean you’re dead—the only way you ensure that you’re “sour” to a mosquito is probably to use repellent.

  WHY ARE BUGS ATTRACTED TO LIGHT?

  Phototaxis is an organism’s automatic movement toward or away from light. Cockroaches are negatively phototactic. Turn on that kitchen light and off they scurry to their dark little holes. But many insects are positively phototactic—as evidenced by the mass bug graves in your light fixtures. Many people are also phototactic, especially for the “limelight”—those of us who secretly crave the strobe fusillade of paparazzi flashbulbs and murmur, “Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up” in our dreams…. But, back to bugs. There are a variety of reasons that various insects are positively phototactic. Many insects, including bees, orient themselves in relation to the sun. Certain nocturnal bugs—moths, for instance—use moonlight to navigate, flying at a certain angle to the moon’s light rays to maintain a straight trajectory. When it approaches a source closer than the moon—say, a lightbulb—a moth perceives the light as stronger in one eye than the other, causing one wing to beat faster, so it flies in a tightening spiral, ever closer to the light. Some bugs are sensitive to ultraviolet light reflected by flowers at night. Artificial lights that emit UV rays will also be attractive to these guys. Other bugs are drawn to the heat that incandescent bulbs produce at night. Fireflies are bugs and bulbs all in one. They use their bioluminescence to attract each other.

  DO BEES DIE AFTER THEY STING YOU?

  Only honeybees die after stinging, but not bumblebees or wasps. A honeybee’s barbed stinger is actually attached to its abdomen. When this stinger lodges in the flesh, and the bee tries to escape, the stinger is ripped from its body, tearing off most of the bee’s belly (along with a nerve ganglion, various muscles, a venom sac, and the end of its digestive tract), and the bee dies of the injuries.

  Although the self-inflicted fatality of the honeybee’s sting lacks the individual consciousness and premeditation to truly be considered kamikazelike, you still have to admire that take-one-for-the-hive esprit de corps.

  And research also indicates that it’s only in old cartoons that bees chase you around the countryside, their swarm taking the shape of a harpoon or large pub dart.

  IS IT TRUE THAT SHARKS HAVE TO KEEP SWIMMING TO STAY ALIVE?

  Sharks do not have “swim bladders”—the gas-filled balloonlike organ that enable most fish to stay afloat and upright in water. This means that, since a shark’s body is heavier than water, it will indeed sink when not swimming. Some sharks, including great whites and hammerheads, actually have to keep swimming to breathe. They need to constantly move forward in order to pass oxygen-bearing water over their gills—a process called obligate ramjet ventilation. But there are many species of shark that do not have to swim to breathe. Other common misconceptions about sharks are that they don’t have eyelids and never sleep. Fish have no eyelids, but sharks actually have elaborate eyelids and some even have an additional, protective eyelid called a nictitating membrane. There is some debate among marine biologists as to whether sharks actually sleep or not, but most think that sharks do slow down their brain functions from time to time and go on a sort of “autopilot.” In fact, sharks may swim in their “sleep,” although it’s not the sort of snoring, drooling, butt-scratching snooze we’re accustomed to.

  WHY DO DOGS WAG THEIR TAILS?

  Most people think that dogs wag their tails only when they’re happy. But it’s a little more complicated than that. Canine tail wagging is a form of communication (dogs don’t usually wag their tails when they’re alone), but it can relate a variety of emotional states, as anyone who’s been bitten by a tail-wagging dog knows full well. The wag can convey good spirits, fear, aggression, dominance, or submission. The well-known zoologist Desmond Morris contends that a dog’s wagging tail expresses a state of conflict—the simultaneous need to advance and retreat. Some have suggested that tail wagging is simply a physiological means of getting rid of surplus energy. P. Dwight Tapp, who’s conducted research at the University of Toronto in the cognitive functions and brain structures of dogs, points out that wagging also spreads pheromones by causing the muscles around the anus to contract, pressing on glands that release a scent. This scent communicates information about sex, age, and social status to other dogs.

  There’s another compelling question about canine behavior: Why don’t dogs, whose loathsome, irresponsible owners leave them tethered to parking meters in dangerously frigid temperatures and then spend several hours leisurely browsing in Walgreens, rip their faces off (or at least viciously maul them) when they finally come out, instead of enthusiastically wagging their tails?

  IS IT TRUE THAT COCKROACHES CAN SURVIVE AN ATOMIC BLAST?

  The poor, loathsome, reviled cockroach, persona non grata wherever it goes, chased from one corner of the earth to the other by brandished shoes and rolled-up magazines…But you gotta give the vermin their due, because, yes, they could probably withstand the radiation in a thermonuclear blast. A human being exposed to radiation in excess of about 800 rems (the “rem” is a dosage of radiation that will cause a specific amount of harm to human tissue) will most likely die. The killer dose for an American cockroach is 67,500 rems. And a German cockroach would need to be nuked with about 100,000 rems to stop it in its tracks!! There’s a simple reason cockroaches (along
with other insects) are less vulnerable to radiation than humans—their simplicity. The more complex and longer living an organism is, the more vulnerable it is to the effects of radiation, i.e., the more there is to go wrong. And cockroaches don’t live long enough to develop the cancers associated with radiation exposure.

  Researchers at Stanford University are actually designing and building robots based on cockroaches—not because they’re nuke-proof—but because they’re so speedy and agile. (Some cockroaches can move fifty times their body length in one second. That’s the equivalent of a human being running at about 200 mph!)

  If all this has whetted your intellectual appetite for cockroaches, W. J. Bell’s The Laboratory Cockroach is a must-read. It includes such essential information as “How to Anesthetize a Cockroach” and, of course, “How to Extract the Sex Pheromone of a Cockroach” (who knows when THAT might come in handy?).

  Cockroaches haven’t evolved much in the millions of years they’ve been around, and they’ll probably be scurrying about for zillions to come. And would you really want to live in a post-nuclear apocalyptic wasteland populated only by mutant Madagascar hissing cockroaches? Probably not. But what if you could hunker down and survive somehow…and you’d be the only human alive…and the cockroaches would worship you as some sort of god? Hmmmmm…

  CAN ANIMALS BE GAY?

  Yes they can! According to biologist Bruce Bagemihl, there is documented evidence that some 450 species engage in “gay” and “lesbian” sexual activity, including whiptail lizards, bottlenose dolphins, flamingoes, vampire bats, giraffes, and penguins. According to a recent study on sheep, published in the journal Endocrinology, approximately 8 percent of rams exhibit sexual preferences for other male partners, instead of for ewes. Then, of course, you’ve got your bonobos—those scandalously hedonistic, orgiastic, no-holds-barred sensualists of the ape world—that do it all: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, bondage, golden showers, leather, rubber, enemas, you name it. Earthworms, tapeworms, leeches, and snails are hermaphrodites, in case you’re into that sort of thing. We’ve yet to come upon a case of cross-species identity disorder, for instance, a platypus that feels it’s actually a kinkajou but born in a platypus’s body.

  DO ANIMALS MASTURBATE?

  Yes, animals masturbate, as anyone with a leg that has been vigorously humped by a randy Jack Russell terrier will readily attest. (I know, humping may also be a form of play and an expression of dominance, but it’s obviously sexual, and some dogs have orgasms doing it, so let’s be real about it.)

  According to Professor Keith Kendrik, head of the Neurobiology Programme and Laboratory of Cognitive and Developmental Neuroscience at the Barraham Institute at Cambridge University, many male mammals touch and lick themselves to achieve erection, but only in primates is masturbation to ejaculation observed. Colobus, talapoins, macaques, baboons, mangabeys, mandrills, orangutans, gorillas, and chimpanzees, you know who you are…Female mammals, and especially female primates, have also been seen masturbating. (It does sounds a little kinky, watching them like that, but it’s science, and somebody’s gotta do it.) In fact, as a team of scientists writing in the journal Science recently concluded after observing orangutans in Borneo and Sumatra, the resourceful apes had learned the art of masturbating with sticks.

  As long as we’re talking about animal sexuality, you may be interested to know which creature is the most well-endowed in the world. Without a doubt, the blue whale is the Tommy Lee of the animal kingdom—its penis is 11 feet long, and its testicles weigh up to 100 pounds each. Another interesting fact is that Aristotle Onassis is said to have upholstered the bar stools on his yacht Christina with whale penis leather. (If this sort of stuff intrigues you, you might find it worth your while, next time you’re in Reykjavik, to visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It is devoted entirely to the study of animal penises and houses ninety-nine specimens.)

  If you intend to go online and do your own amateur research on animal masturbation or penis leather, be forewarned. You will inadvertently summon up a witch’s brew of extremely disturbing websites.

  DO SOME PEOPLE REALLY HAVE TAILS?

  If you saw the movie Shallow Hal, you might remember Jason Alexander’s (George from Seinfeld ) character with his small, wagging tail. This is another example of how you can’t believe everything that you see in the movies.

  This doesn’t mean that people can’t have tails. It’s just that they can’t wag them. Human tails or dorsal cutaneous appendages are rare congenital defects. These “tails” have none of the characteristics of true animal tails. True tails contain bones or have associated muscles that permit movement. The human tail is usually just a fatty outgrowth of skin right at the base of the spine, and often a sign that there might be an underlying spinal defect.

  2:03 p.m.

  Gberg: Jefe. ¿Que pasa?

  Gberg: I am Jefe, you are Uno. Sorry.

  Leyner: Help!!

  Gberg: What?

  Leyner: I love this research!!

  Gberg: How was the Dublin interview, you lusty leprechaun?

  Leyner: Do you know there’s an Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavik?

  2:05 P.M.

  Gberg: I’ll meet you at JFK!

  Gberg: Or is Newark easier for you?

  Leyner: We need to put an animal penis size q. in the vet. chapter…or I’ll just add some stuff to the gay animal q. & a.

  Gberg: I spent hours last night on the sun sneezing question. I still can’t believe that there is science behind that.

  Leyner: Aristotle Onassis had his bar stools on his yacht Christina covered in whale penis leather.

  Gberg: Poor whale.

  Leyner: I want whale penis leather pants.

  Gberg: You could wear that to your cable TV interview. Then you might pass the dress code.

  Leyner: Just think how I’d look in those next time we’re on The Today Show??

  Leyner: I know, right?

  Gberg: I can just hear the narration as you stroll down the red carpet. Leyner looks marvelous in his Moby-Dicks!

  Leyner: I’d wear my whale penis leather pants and a nice, simple hummingbird-wing blouse.

  Leyner: Moby-Dicks!!!!

  Leyner: The new “Calvins.”

  Gberg: That would be a great final competition for Project Runway.

  Leyner: Hey, I have a medical problem…give me IM advice, Mr. Man.

  2:10 P.M.

  Gberg: Each of you has been given one whale penis and 100 dollars…

  Leyner: I think I have a splinter in my BIG TOE…and it’s SO FUCKING PAINFUL…I can’t walk on it at all…but it’s not sticking out so I can’t grab it with my trusty tweezers…what’s a nipple brother to do???

  Gberg: Are you sure it’s not infected? Unusual to be so painful. I could remove it if you wanted to come over.

  Gberg: I have some rusty tools that would be perfect for you.

  Leyner: Rusty tools…I’m drooling with anticipation.

  Leyner: Don’t know if it’s infected…just looks like there’s a little dark fragment in there…but it hurts so much to put any weight on it…otherwise it doesn’t hurt.

  2:15 P.M.

  Leyner: Anyway…I should get back to researching.

  Leyner: Should I soak my toe for a while and try to get the thing out…does soaking work?

  Gberg: Soaking is good.

  Gberg: Use Buddy Ebsen salts.

  Leyner: Sorry…I’ve been at this researching thing since 9 and I’m a little off my game.

  Gberg: I actually have no idea what epsom salts are.

  Leyner: OK…thanks, Jefe. What are you up to for the rest of the day?

  Leyner: I’ll use kosher salt, thank you very much.

  Gberg: I need to go do some work on the book. I will call you later.

  Leyner: Don’t know what that is either.

  Leyner: Talk to you later.

  Gberg: Ciao.

  CHAPTER 5

  INSEMINATION, GESTATION, A
ND LACTATION (THE PREGGERS CHAPTER)

  I had kept our next patient away from Leyner on her last two visits. Isabel Collier, thirty-two years old and twenty-two weeks pregnant, was not in the right hormonal state to deal with Leyner’s unorthodox therapeutic style. She had come to see me to address her fears about becoming a parent. Her husband was unavailable for the earlier sessions, but had accompanied her today. I thought perhaps the support of her husband would allow a smooth transition for Leyner’s introduction.

  We were seated in the office when Wendy Thurston brought the loving couple through the door. Leyner immediately jumped to his feet, clapping his hands with blithe, almost childlike enthusiasm.

  I motioned for the couple to sit down and immediately tears of shame began rolling down the expectant mother’s full face.

  “I can’t do this…I can’t. I’m not prepared to raise a child. I’m so ashamed to admit this….” She turned to her husband entreatingly. “Please forgive me,” she wept.

  The husband embraced her and was about to begin reassuring her, when he looked up and began sniffing the air.

  “Did somebody crap their pants?” he asked, grimacing.

  “I made a poop,” Leyner announced, beaming.

  “You what?” replied the husband. “What kind of sick freaking place is this?”

  I wondered the same thing, but realized that Leyner might have stumbled onto something.

  “Please, I know this seems unusual, but Leyner is trying to show you something.”